Women’s Swimsuit Shopping Trauma

Posted by Suzanne Lilly
Twitter @suzannelilly

There is one thing in life that strikes fear into the heart of women from teens to centenarians the world over. It’s swimsuit shopping. Men don’t understand what a critical thing this is. For example, my husband would just as soon swim in a pair of cutoffs as swim trunks. “What’s the big deal?” he asks. “Just go into the store and buy a suit.”

Image from Mables.com

Here’s the big deal, dear husband. Women’s swimsuits reveal everything. Wearing one is like baring your soul for the world to see, and of course you want your soul to look as good as possible. Therefore, women and teens that are serious about getting a swimsuit that looks good on them turn to fashion magazine advice on the perfect swimsuit styles for different body types.

Image from LosAngeles.cbslocal.com

I went on a search for a swimsuit that would complement the Humpty Dumpty body type. You know, sort of round and curvy all over. Having no success with that, I tried finding the Sausage in Casing body type. Some days I feel like a sausagekin.

I found this Glamour slideshow article,  promising to help me (and you, too,) find the perfect swimsuit, no matter our body types. I almost gave up on the first frame, all about the athletic body type, with a twenty-three year old model. Okay, I work out, but no one has ever said I look athletic. Not to mention I’ve had three children and the stomach just isn’t what it was at twenty-three. Sheesh. On to the next frame. More of the same. I trusted in the adage patience is a virtue, and after several frames, the focus switched to a pear shaped woman.

That descriptor has always reminded me of a big green Anjou pear, bumping along the floor after I drop it. However, it simply means a figure that’s bigger on bottom. This section had some one piece suits, along with pictures of bikinis and tankinis. My heart began to lose hope for my round, slightly bigger than an Anjou pear body.

The next frames had a lanky body type. Did I mention I was losing hope? Here were pictures of a model who is tall, under fifteen years old, extremely thin, or seriously anorexic. I remember once upon a time having this body type. I had to strap my suit on tight so it wouldn’t come off when I jumped off the diving board at the public pool. I was ten years old. Indeed, the slideshow pictured plenty of string bikinis with cute ruffles and bows. Definitely for the under 18 crowd.

Finally I saw a real woman model, curvy and round. Apparently, it’s called apple shape. The article said to go for higher cut legs and steer clear of bikini bottoms that cut you off and give you a muffin top. The only place a muffin top is attractive, I say, is on a baking sheet.

I still wondered what would look good on a Sausage in Casing body type. If I wanted to spend a couple of hundred dollars on my suit, I could get one with military grade Spanx. The only problem was I’d need help getting into it. Then I’d have to pray I wouldn’t need to go to the bathroom before the time to take the suit off.

I spent days traipsing around from store to store, searching for a sexy swimsuit that would look good on a woman of a certain age. My last resort was the store with the Big Red Dot in a Circle. I figured if I didn’t find one there, I’d have to join my husband in cutoffs and a t-shirt.

The swimsuit goddesses led me to a back rack where I found a cute retro halter tankini with adorable boy shorts. I was so excited. It makes me feel like a cross between Jean Harlowe and Veronica Lake. Only with dark hair instead of blonde. Also with a few more pounds. And no fancy photography and lighting. Ah well, one can dream.

How about you? Have you any swimsuit shopping advice or stories?